Lights go off here and there
Chopin stops playing.
No more flourishes.
T'is quiet.
The table catches my eye.
An orange peel, a burnt candle,
Loose change and Eliot's Wasteland,
A fallen beetle wanders over the folds
Of the table cloth, trying to soar
But falls down and lies still.
The candle lies still, the peel lies still,
The change is frozen still, the images.
The room is still.
The steely light bears down in the silence.
As the organ takes in its last whiff of air
Waves come in and all creation starts swimming..vanishing
The shutters slowly come down without choice,
T'is still again;
Still.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The gift
The only gift that true love can give is tears-simple, pure and pristine.
Stop them not. Let them flow incessantly.
They will take you to the ocean of oneness; where no dualities exist.
There is only suchness, stillness, fullness...
Peace, unadulterable peace!!
Stop them not. Let them flow incessantly.
They will take you to the ocean of oneness; where no dualities exist.
There is only suchness, stillness, fullness...
Peace, unadulterable peace!!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The..
Through the evening air, I hear a soft prayer from a woman,
Which pulls me to a score years behind now, and I see
A child sitting peacefully in his mother's lap, immersed in the voice of her simple prayers,
And she smiles as he smugly looks up at her.
That the hard-nosed philosopher now I am, worshipping logic and slighting "faith",
The mellow prayer makes me weep to return,
To the daily mornings at the old prayer stand, the mother's lap,
Her knowing, smiling faith, and the silence around us.
So it happens that the "wise" self can no longer spew cold fire,
As the warm, tender scent of childhood shrouds me,
Tears away my adult stench,until down on the floor I lie
And weep like a child for the days that past.
Which pulls me to a score years behind now, and I see
A child sitting peacefully in his mother's lap, immersed in the voice of her simple prayers,
And she smiles as he smugly looks up at her.
That the hard-nosed philosopher now I am, worshipping logic and slighting "faith",
The mellow prayer makes me weep to return,
To the daily mornings at the old prayer stand, the mother's lap,
Her knowing, smiling faith, and the silence around us.
So it happens that the "wise" self can no longer spew cold fire,
As the warm, tender scent of childhood shrouds me,
Tears away my adult stench,until down on the floor I lie
And weep like a child for the days that past.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Vande Mataram!
It's been 61 years since our forefathers first inhaled the air of independence. On the nidnight of August 14th, 1947, Nehru had then mentioned in his famous "Tryst with Destiny" speech that India was going to redeem her pledge with Destiny "not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially". He further mentioned about the Indian quest and how "...through good and ill fortune alike she....never lost sight of that quest or
forgotten the ideals which gave her strength."
These words ring both as a reminder of those times of strife and also a stern reminder of the future ahead.
Taking stock of ourselves almost three generations after that epoch-making day, it is difficult to properly conclude as to whether we have really earned our worth or whether we still have miles ahead of us.
It is hard to find anywhere else in the world such a vast range of cultures, languages, religions, lifestyles and customs all densely packed into one sub-continent.
What you find here, you will find everywhere else. What you don't find here, you will not find anywhere else. Indeed an enigmatic mix of contrasts.
On one side, there is enough sunshine to smile about. We achieved self-sufficiency in food production and are making great strides in the field of information technology.
Adult life expectancies have gone up due to better availability of medical care. Greater expansion of transport networks through road, rail and air is changing the face of India like never before. Private entrpreneurship is flourishing like never before and some of the world's richest billionares and most admired corporate leaders hail from this land. Industrial revolutions are happening almost overnight and India is slowly and surely transforming into a mighty superpower.
A report card of our six decade-old experiment in freedom and democracy shows a disconcerting picture. While universal franchise is increasingly being championed,
its benefits still elude millions. Not everyone benefits from this democracy. Entitled benefactors are instead plagued by crime and gross injustice and greedy exploiters run the show with impunity and immunity often provided by sections of the state machinery. They use the very same evils that are the bane of our society - corruption, intolerance, caste and communal politics and indifference to suffering.
One pauses to reflect: Where are the ideals that gave India strength in her quest? Have ideals like tolerance, acceptance, concern for others and a sense of justice faded away like age old civilisations of Greece, Rome and Babylon? Is Indian civilisation also facing the same threat?
While I am sure most will disagree, I feel that somewhere, we are turning a blind eye to those ideals that give us that lustre of Indianness.
Tales of grave injustice and discrimination no longer rend our hardened hearts. Narrations of marginalised sections being suppressed in the name of progress using sheer economic muscle no longer affect us. For we are too busy shaping up our futures with little thoughts for our fellow citizens, our future generations or for our environment.
All this from the country which wished the world, "Lokaa samasthaa sukhino bhavanthu!!"
No civilisation or culture survives on thin air. It survives and thrives on the beliefs and activities of its fundamental elements: the people. Everything begins from there and
ends there.
We are already in the clutches of a different kind of slavery- decay of human ideals. Morals have decayed due to constant twisting by unscrupulous elements for their selfish gains.
So a second struggle has to start - this time for freedom from internal decay.
Still, there is proof that not all is lost. The future is not set. Hope still survives. Pointing to a silver lining, as a reminder of the inconquerable nature of the Indian spirit.
The Indian spirit is as strong as the human spirit.
And somewhere, a low but firm voice tells me to look ahead with hope.
For, with the pitfalls, with all the decay, with all the blemishes, how can one still not love his own mother??
Let us all strive and prove ourselves to be worthy children of that great Mother.
Jai Hind!
forgotten the ideals which gave her strength."
These words ring both as a reminder of those times of strife and also a stern reminder of the future ahead.
Taking stock of ourselves almost three generations after that epoch-making day, it is difficult to properly conclude as to whether we have really earned our worth or whether we still have miles ahead of us.
It is hard to find anywhere else in the world such a vast range of cultures, languages, religions, lifestyles and customs all densely packed into one sub-continent.
What you find here, you will find everywhere else. What you don't find here, you will not find anywhere else. Indeed an enigmatic mix of contrasts.
On one side, there is enough sunshine to smile about. We achieved self-sufficiency in food production and are making great strides in the field of information technology.
Adult life expectancies have gone up due to better availability of medical care. Greater expansion of transport networks through road, rail and air is changing the face of India like never before. Private entrpreneurship is flourishing like never before and some of the world's richest billionares and most admired corporate leaders hail from this land. Industrial revolutions are happening almost overnight and India is slowly and surely transforming into a mighty superpower.
A report card of our six decade-old experiment in freedom and democracy shows a disconcerting picture. While universal franchise is increasingly being championed,
its benefits still elude millions. Not everyone benefits from this democracy. Entitled benefactors are instead plagued by crime and gross injustice and greedy exploiters run the show with impunity and immunity often provided by sections of the state machinery. They use the very same evils that are the bane of our society - corruption, intolerance, caste and communal politics and indifference to suffering.
One pauses to reflect: Where are the ideals that gave India strength in her quest? Have ideals like tolerance, acceptance, concern for others and a sense of justice faded away like age old civilisations of Greece, Rome and Babylon? Is Indian civilisation also facing the same threat?
While I am sure most will disagree, I feel that somewhere, we are turning a blind eye to those ideals that give us that lustre of Indianness.
Tales of grave injustice and discrimination no longer rend our hardened hearts. Narrations of marginalised sections being suppressed in the name of progress using sheer economic muscle no longer affect us. For we are too busy shaping up our futures with little thoughts for our fellow citizens, our future generations or for our environment.
All this from the country which wished the world, "Lokaa samasthaa sukhino bhavanthu!!"
No civilisation or culture survives on thin air. It survives and thrives on the beliefs and activities of its fundamental elements: the people. Everything begins from there and
ends there.
We are already in the clutches of a different kind of slavery- decay of human ideals. Morals have decayed due to constant twisting by unscrupulous elements for their selfish gains.
So a second struggle has to start - this time for freedom from internal decay.
Still, there is proof that not all is lost. The future is not set. Hope still survives. Pointing to a silver lining, as a reminder of the inconquerable nature of the Indian spirit.
The Indian spirit is as strong as the human spirit.
And somewhere, a low but firm voice tells me to look ahead with hope.
For, with the pitfalls, with all the decay, with all the blemishes, how can one still not love his own mother??
Let us all strive and prove ourselves to be worthy children of that great Mother.
Jai Hind!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The deserted heart..
The extremes that I see within myself sometimes frightens me.
One moment I am brimming with life and have an overwhelming sense of compasssion and belonging to the world. Love, peace, brotherhood, hope.
And then the next moment, I feel like an empty shell. I look within myself and see a vast barren desert,harsh and lifeless. The gentle "humidness" has vanished; the heartbeat of life vanished, like a mirage.
And then in the deep reaches of that desert, I find a hidden trickle of blood...The trickle widens and soon the eight quarters tremble under its force.
My heart is bleeding..I've been mercilessly left to perish.
The dark clouds of sadness boil in my mind's sky. They boil like deep wounds that will remain open forever.
The river of prayer and compassion that I let loose in my heart for others has dried up.
They have built dams in its path. They have harnessed it's power. They have set up walls
of ingratitude around my selfless river for their benefit.
The heat of merciless indifference has desertified my mindscape...
From this moment, You and I will be confined to just You. I no longer exist.
Where is that oasis of life, that spring of joy, that rainshower of hope??
Why this eternal sadness in the dark side of my moon??
One moment I am brimming with life and have an overwhelming sense of compasssion and belonging to the world. Love, peace, brotherhood, hope.
And then the next moment, I feel like an empty shell. I look within myself and see a vast barren desert,harsh and lifeless. The gentle "humidness" has vanished; the heartbeat of life vanished, like a mirage.
And then in the deep reaches of that desert, I find a hidden trickle of blood...The trickle widens and soon the eight quarters tremble under its force.
My heart is bleeding..I've been mercilessly left to perish.
The dark clouds of sadness boil in my mind's sky. They boil like deep wounds that will remain open forever.
The river of prayer and compassion that I let loose in my heart for others has dried up.
They have built dams in its path. They have harnessed it's power. They have set up walls
of ingratitude around my selfless river for their benefit.
The heat of merciless indifference has desertified my mindscape...
From this moment, You and I will be confined to just You. I no longer exist.
Where is that oasis of life, that spring of joy, that rainshower of hope??
Why this eternal sadness in the dark side of my moon??
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My birth
Me: Some one said that people who changed the course of history exhibited a rare symbol of their nature when they were born.. Chanakya had a complete set of teeth when he was born.. Genghiz Khan had a blood wound in his right palm when he was born.. Hitler steadfastly refused to cry and kept staring at the midwife..
Ma: I don't think so..You haven't become anything till now!!
Me: Eh?? What do you mean?? Did I do something unusual?
Ma: Yeah. You laughed!!
Me(astounded): Kya baat kar rahe ho??
Ma: Yup..I remember that day..my labour was very painful. I'd lost some blood and so had to be put on transfusion. Then I felt this huge wave of numbing pain!! A flash and I saw stars in my closed eyes!! Then I heard a small guffaw, like someone laughing after witnessed a joke! I opened my eyes and the doctor was staring at a small bundle of life shaking its tummy and making a gurgling voice...Make no mistake, you were laughing!! The doctor was a bit hesitant and then slapped you slowly on your bum..You suddenly went silent..One more slap and then you started bellowing with a vengeance!!
Me(beaming): Whoa!! So I laughed the first thing when I was born!! SoI'm gonna be great soon!!
Ma(snickering):Really?? I haven't seen anything all these years to prove that. We spent all this money to educate you...and what have you done till now??(I try to keep a non-chalant face) I'll tell you what..In your previous birth, you died in a movie theatre watching a hilarious movie, may be a heart attack or something. You couldn't laugh out properly while you died. So when you were born, you laughed out at that old sub-conscious joke.. Nothing else..nothing great there..Go to sleep now..it's late!
Hmmm..Fate is not without a sense of irony, right? Sigh!!
Ma: I don't think so..You haven't become anything till now!!
Me: Eh?? What do you mean?? Did I do something unusual?
Ma: Yeah. You laughed!!
Me(astounded): Kya baat kar rahe ho??
Ma: Yup..I remember that day..my labour was very painful. I'd lost some blood and so had to be put on transfusion. Then I felt this huge wave of numbing pain!! A flash and I saw stars in my closed eyes!! Then I heard a small guffaw, like someone laughing after witnessed a joke! I opened my eyes and the doctor was staring at a small bundle of life shaking its tummy and making a gurgling voice...Make no mistake, you were laughing!! The doctor was a bit hesitant and then slapped you slowly on your bum..You suddenly went silent..One more slap and then you started bellowing with a vengeance!!
Me(beaming): Whoa!! So I laughed the first thing when I was born!! SoI'm gonna be great soon!!
Ma(snickering):Really?? I haven't seen anything all these years to prove that. We spent all this money to educate you...and what have you done till now??(I try to keep a non-chalant face) I'll tell you what..In your previous birth, you died in a movie theatre watching a hilarious movie, may be a heart attack or something. You couldn't laugh out properly while you died. So when you were born, you laughed out at that old sub-conscious joke.. Nothing else..nothing great there..Go to sleep now..it's late!
Hmmm..Fate is not without a sense of irony, right? Sigh!!
Fear
Looking back at my life, I find I have no regrets. Success and failure are mere subjective concepts. Do not mistake me for some kind of a grungy loser. It is just that I find such dualities frivolous. I have achievevd my goal and that is all that matters.
My journey begain ten years ago after the death of my elder brother. He had fallen off from the balcony of our twenty-third floor flat. One moment he was holding on to the ledge and the next moment he was off- hurtling downwards with one arm stretched towards me. I was frozen with horror as I had seen such fear in his eyes. He died dashing his brains on the ground. I had my first taste of fear.
Our brother's death left me and my younger sister shattered. He had been our sole breadwinner and after our parents' death. He was our very life, our very soul. That was when an uncle of ours came forward to look after us. He was a childless widower. Since it was important that my sister had a shelter, we could not refuse. He also insisted that I continue my education. I did so but kept a low profile.
I finally graduated and found a job. I could not marry. I wanted no part of it. Since I had lost all interest in social life, I lived like an outcaste. Neither music nor poetry could give my consolation. I spent many nights in cemeteries and cremation grounds. I had no more gentle emotions left in me. Life did not make any sense any more. I was losing my sanity. My brother's death had seared me within.
Slaughterhouses fascinated me. I frequented them and watched mutely as the animals met a voilent death. The fear that glinted in their eyes reminded me so much of the fear in my brother's eyes. It seemed that these animals were very human.
Our uncle gave us both love and care. As time passed by, we gave my sister in marriage to a soldier living in a faraway town. My uncle and I were left alone. He wanted to see me married but I kept off. He had forced me into a job but did not live long to see me well-settled.
It was in a strange way that my uncle died. He had a massive heart attack. He struggled across the bed to take the medicine bottle on the table, only to find it empty. He was struggling to breathe, his body contorting in pain. For some unknown reason, I sat beside him instead of running for a doctor. He tried to say something but his voice died in his throat. He looked deeply at me and I again saw the same fear reflecting in his eyes that I had seen in my brother's eyes and I felt an eerie glee. I sat mute while my uncle died moaning feebly.
I then decided to visit my sister for a few days. Starting the journey by morning, I reached her hometown by nightfall. I noticed that her house was at a deserted part of the town. All the neighbouring houses were either locked up or abandoned. As I drew nearer, I heard shrieks and screams from inside the house. Peering into the window, I was again frozen with horror- I saw the "soldier", probably in an inebriated state, strangling my poor sister with his bare hands! Her feet were off the floor and she was struggling like a fish put on dry land. She turned towards me and I again saw in her eyes the same fear that had flashed in my brother's eyes. She stretched her hand towards me but it fell dangling...
I silently watched as the murderer took a sari and made a noose at one end.He slipped it around my dead sister's neck and then sent the other end through a hook on the ceiling...
Suddenly, the blood rose in me. I remember running towards the back of the house and picking up a large axe. Mad with rage and excitement, I broke into the house growling like a bear. The murderer was stunned and I was thrilled to see the fear in his eyes. I felt an unexplained glee, akin to that of a hunter on seeing his prey. With a mighty stroke, I sent his head rolling on the floor....
Life became normal for me. My job paid me well and even gave me a house. That was when people started finding bodies all over the town. They were found with the eyeballs torn off their sockets. The police is still searching for the killer. There is no evidence. I left none. Now as I look into the mirror, I see the same fear reflecting in my eyes. I know that it is time for me to die. Will someone help me?
[Finally, darkning struck. It started off as a slow, small trickle of words. Then I only remember going with the flow. I now realize what writers mean when they say that they let their pens guide them.]
My journey begain ten years ago after the death of my elder brother. He had fallen off from the balcony of our twenty-third floor flat. One moment he was holding on to the ledge and the next moment he was off- hurtling downwards with one arm stretched towards me. I was frozen with horror as I had seen such fear in his eyes. He died dashing his brains on the ground. I had my first taste of fear.
Our brother's death left me and my younger sister shattered. He had been our sole breadwinner and after our parents' death. He was our very life, our very soul. That was when an uncle of ours came forward to look after us. He was a childless widower. Since it was important that my sister had a shelter, we could not refuse. He also insisted that I continue my education. I did so but kept a low profile.
I finally graduated and found a job. I could not marry. I wanted no part of it. Since I had lost all interest in social life, I lived like an outcaste. Neither music nor poetry could give my consolation. I spent many nights in cemeteries and cremation grounds. I had no more gentle emotions left in me. Life did not make any sense any more. I was losing my sanity. My brother's death had seared me within.
Slaughterhouses fascinated me. I frequented them and watched mutely as the animals met a voilent death. The fear that glinted in their eyes reminded me so much of the fear in my brother's eyes. It seemed that these animals were very human.
Our uncle gave us both love and care. As time passed by, we gave my sister in marriage to a soldier living in a faraway town. My uncle and I were left alone. He wanted to see me married but I kept off. He had forced me into a job but did not live long to see me well-settled.
It was in a strange way that my uncle died. He had a massive heart attack. He struggled across the bed to take the medicine bottle on the table, only to find it empty. He was struggling to breathe, his body contorting in pain. For some unknown reason, I sat beside him instead of running for a doctor. He tried to say something but his voice died in his throat. He looked deeply at me and I again saw the same fear reflecting in his eyes that I had seen in my brother's eyes and I felt an eerie glee. I sat mute while my uncle died moaning feebly.
I then decided to visit my sister for a few days. Starting the journey by morning, I reached her hometown by nightfall. I noticed that her house was at a deserted part of the town. All the neighbouring houses were either locked up or abandoned. As I drew nearer, I heard shrieks and screams from inside the house. Peering into the window, I was again frozen with horror- I saw the "soldier", probably in an inebriated state, strangling my poor sister with his bare hands! Her feet were off the floor and she was struggling like a fish put on dry land. She turned towards me and I again saw in her eyes the same fear that had flashed in my brother's eyes. She stretched her hand towards me but it fell dangling...
I silently watched as the murderer took a sari and made a noose at one end.He slipped it around my dead sister's neck and then sent the other end through a hook on the ceiling...
Suddenly, the blood rose in me. I remember running towards the back of the house and picking up a large axe. Mad with rage and excitement, I broke into the house growling like a bear. The murderer was stunned and I was thrilled to see the fear in his eyes. I felt an unexplained glee, akin to that of a hunter on seeing his prey. With a mighty stroke, I sent his head rolling on the floor....
Life became normal for me. My job paid me well and even gave me a house. That was when people started finding bodies all over the town. They were found with the eyeballs torn off their sockets. The police is still searching for the killer. There is no evidence. I left none. Now as I look into the mirror, I see the same fear reflecting in my eyes. I know that it is time for me to die. Will someone help me?
[Finally, darkning struck. It started off as a slow, small trickle of words. Then I only remember going with the flow. I now realize what writers mean when they say that they let their pens guide them.]
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Really nothing??
Yesterday, I saw the movie "Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!"- arguably one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen.
For those who haven't seen the movie, it's about a 70-year old frail but streetsmart n protective mother coming to visit Sylvester Stallone who's a supercop. She meddles in every affair of his life- work, food, love interest (even dirty laundry) and turns his n the police dept's world upside down leading to ridiculously disastrous results.
Yawning at a faster rate than Stallone shooting down the bad guys ,I was about to flip the channel. But then, I watched this scene:
Poor Sylvie is lying down battered at the end of a fight with the druglords n a mountain-sized bad guy's about to shoot him to bits. Suddenly, the latter hears a gun click n turns around to see Sylvie's Mummy standing with legs shoulder-length apart n pointing a Beretta at him with frail hands.
The tiny woman stands erect n stares at him in the eyes n says in a deep voice,
"No one touches my baby while I'm alive!!"
and shoots him to oblivion.
It was nothing. Really. An insignificant climax to an insignificant movie.
But I felt overwhelmed. And I wept.
Why is that??
Monday, March 24, 2008
The omnipresent?
I was walking down the street this afternoon when I passed by a girl, all alone at the bus stand and screaming into her cell phone "You're a devil!! I should've known!!".
It sounded stupid,but then..
Isn't the Devil everywhere??
"Up above is God Almighty
So very far away,
But your brother the Devil
You will meet on every level."
Any takers??
It sounded stupid,but then..
Isn't the Devil everywhere??
"Up above is God Almighty
So very far away,
But your brother the Devil
You will meet on every level."
Any takers??
Love....
Love is the blackest of all plagues, and if one could die of it, there would be some pleasure in love.
But you almost always get over it.
There are only a couple of poor wretches who die of love once in a while.
Love is as contagious as a cold in the nose.
It eats away at your strength, your independence, your morale, if you have any.
If everything is imperfect in this imperfect world, love is most perfect in its perfect imperfection.
But you almost always get over it.
There are only a couple of poor wretches who die of love once in a while.
Love is as contagious as a cold in the nose.
It eats away at your strength, your independence, your morale, if you have any.
If everything is imperfect in this imperfect world, love is most perfect in its perfect imperfection.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Quarterlife Crisis
Ok, now I must tell you all that this post is a knee-jerk reaction of sorts...just an hour ago I reached home after driving some 134 km both to and back from the airport to drop off my mother... I was sitting at my table in my room and relishing the peace of the night. I saw a tiny ant walk on top of a copy of Noam Choamsky's Failed States kept on the table, and then it hit me.
It was sudden, like satori.
But not satori.
Only a troubled realization.
Who am I?
What am I here for?
Where do I go from here?
Wondering what the hell I am getting at?
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What I have realized is that every one relates to this feeling.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
I am 25 and I feel I should talk about this to my twenty-something-year old friends ...
I reckon it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis".
It was sudden, like satori.
But not satori.
Only a troubled realization.
Who am I?
What am I here for?
Where do I go from here?
Wondering what the hell I am getting at?
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What I have realized is that every one relates to this feeling.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
I am 25 and I feel I should talk about this to my twenty-something-year old friends ...
I reckon it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis".
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
The Mad God Who Rolled the Boulder
O Mother who begot twelve children;
I am the madman among your progeny.
There are no faggots feasting on my dreadlocks,
Neither are my eyes blinded by solid darkness,
Neither is there the naked, base lust that blows with friction
Causing sparks in the flinty corner of my heart.
In the cemetery where the creaky doors to life close,
Where heaps of ash slowly rest their panting breaths,
Sitting in vigilant meditation,like a wick
That burns without burning, I who scavenge
For the Truth am the madman; I who suffer silently am the fool.
For eons, I have built a fire and sat guard
With a filariatic leg, to that Temple where
All temples dissolve into, where all puppetry
Of nobility burns down, the cemetery of life.
I have pushed the boulder up that Hill of
Bloated and sickening dreams of Desire.
As the eight quarters slowly entwine with
The silent creeper of peace and cover my eyes,
Somewhere in my memory a trail takes a turn
To the ancient straight bloodline of Vararuchi.
(To be continued...)
I am the madman among your progeny.
There are no faggots feasting on my dreadlocks,
Neither are my eyes blinded by solid darkness,
Neither is there the naked, base lust that blows with friction
Causing sparks in the flinty corner of my heart.
In the cemetery where the creaky doors to life close,
Where heaps of ash slowly rest their panting breaths,
Sitting in vigilant meditation,like a wick
That burns without burning, I who scavenge
For the Truth am the madman; I who suffer silently am the fool.
For eons, I have built a fire and sat guard
With a filariatic leg, to that Temple where
All temples dissolve into, where all puppetry
Of nobility burns down, the cemetery of life.
I have pushed the boulder up that Hill of
Bloated and sickening dreams of Desire.
As the eight quarters slowly entwine with
The silent creeper of peace and cover my eyes,
Somewhere in my memory a trail takes a turn
To the ancient straight bloodline of Vararuchi.
(To be continued...)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
An office online chat...
Highlander- Ok your last post is a good read....”avaritia”...like the discussion we had in Gurgaon.
Mayz- Ya, I remember
Highlander- Prose for a difference...
Mayz- Ya know… the last paragraph was where i wanted to show a little bit of helplessness
Mayz- thats why in third person
Highlander- Tht's bit like Caesar...He always talked about himself in the third person...
Mayz- hmmm
Highlander- Makes me feel like giving the world an ultimatum!!
Mayz- hmmm...like what?
Highlander- Something like this....
Highlander- All gold n riches under the sky are the same for me...
Highlander- Nothing in the world can shake my firm convictions...
Highlander- Neither do I need any help to feed them...
Highlander- It's easy to destroy; difficult to build....
Highlander- I personally prefer the constructive mode..
Highlander- But there is another side of me that revels and thrives in destruction...complete dissolution...
Highlander- There's another Highlander within me whom I've bound in chains…
Highlander- The wounded animal....
Mayz- da wolf
Highlander- If I start disassembling, I'll not stop...I shall turn everything into it's primal, attribute-less, particulate, basic state..
Highlander- Do not provoke me to destroy anything...
Highlander- Not much good shall come out of it...
Highlander- Don't try to export sand to Rajasthan...
Mayz- u shud write abt this
Highlander- hmmm... but then the hand that throws everything to dissolution or Pralaya...
Highlander- Must be stopped n turned into the Abhay Mudra...
Highlander- That desire must come from within...once that happens the desire shall attain a bodily form...
Highlander- The gentle, protecting, nourishing, forgiving, female half of Yin..
Highlander- To bring chaos back to balance...
Highlander- In English,that means I should give birth to a girl who can then double as my mate.. :-)
Mayz- u shud copy all this n post it in ur blog
Highlander- You think ppl will read such crap??
Mayz- this is not crap man
Highlander- Reads like the thoughts of a guy high on LSD n Vedanta.. :-)
Mayz- i like that state
Mayz- gives mind a different pedestal to think from
Mayz- thoughts gush out liberally
Highlander- problem is that Vedanta's more addictive than LSD... :-)
Highlander- gives you an unexplained high...something feeling alive every moment...may be not on the physical side.
Mayz- life has n never will b physical
Highlander- it has to man...it's the lowest state of life...how else do you type these keys?? :-)
Mayz- we r drones
Mayz- zombies
Mayz- lifeless thoughtless creatures created by d world
Mayz- not d ones god wanted us to b
Highlander- brainless?? existing on others' brains??
Mayz- this is not life as god defines it
Mayz- this is life as WE define it
Highlander- He never defines it man...
Highlander- Yeah, we define it...
Mayz- he calls it nirvana
Mayz- he calls it a balance btwn d stiff n d flow
Mayz- btwn d essence n d core
Highlander- If we fail to define it in this life, we'll do it in the next..
Mayz- we were better off as animals
Highlander- thoughtless, merely existential??
Highlander- do nothing but think abt food, mating n survival??
Highlander- What abt thoughts like peace, love n sacrifice n kindness??
Highlander- I don;t think we would share our food with another if we were animals..
Mayz- who says animals r not at peace?
Mayz- no love u say??
Mayz- no kindness??
Mayz- more than humans...any given day
Highlander- not to anyone out of their type...
Highlander- Have you seen a lion nurse a doe?? or a human??
Mayz- we r men...not humans
Highlander- What's his basic instinct??
Mayz- bahut mushkil hai aadmi ko insaan banana
Highlander- hmm..yeah..but not impossible...
Mayz- coz u r thinkin like a man
Mayz- not as a human
Highlander- no yaar, being human is the highest quality that one can attain...
Highlander- why else do you think the human spirit is exalted so much??
Mayz- coz humans think
Highlander- yeah, and animals can't think to the extent that humans can..
Highlander- if they could, the concept of the food chain would have been obsolete....
Mayz- food chain...man made concept
Mayz- we don’t know… maybe they too have an essence
Highlander- definitely they do…but they're not conscious to be aware of it...
Mayz- coz they r pure
Highlander- Yes, it's man made, though that's what's seen in Nature for ages...
Highlander- No yaar, only that consciousness is pure...
Highlander- once you just be, that means you’re aware of all that exists, existed n will exist..
Highlander- It's from the desire that rose from the unadulterated consciousness that all creation has happened...
Mayz- who says?
Mayz- man again?
Highlander- yes...
Highlander- Even our own limited intellect follows the same principle..
Highlander- You see anyone else talkin abt it??
Highlander- any other form of creation??
Mayz- do we know whether anyone else does?
Highlander- Has there been any written record of a plant or an animal striving to attain Moksha??
Highlander- that's why even in the scriptures, the heavenly gods have to come down to be born as humans to strive for Moksha..
Mayz- man written scriptures?
Highlander- yes..everything has to reach this launchpad....
Highlander- Human stage is just a launchpad, where lies infinite potential...
Highlander- Why else do scientists say that 90% of our potential always goes wasted??
Highlander- It's because of the sheer variety of wonders tht a disciplined human mind can create....
Mayz- mind....not human mind
Highlander- yeah, actually mind only...
Highlander- if the animals had ways to sharpen their creative intellect, then they also would've created wonders...
Mayz- n destroyed everything around like we r doing
Mayz- for own good
Highlander- haan, that's where the dual nature of intellect comes in...
Highlander- the mind and the intellect always will be working towards self-gratification....
Highlander- Whatever be the means...
Highlander- Power to create can both nourish n corrupt...
Mayz- its a double edged sword
Highlander- Yes.....
Mayz- n d worst thing is we don’t know how to use it
Mayz- if we did we would b humans...n that’s y we r men
Mayz- not humans
Highlander- hmmm…there again, we can acquire the ability..
Highlander- I remember reading a book, "Dear children, become humans first".
Mayz- we'll destroy everything by then
Highlander- Not always, there's always something left to carry on the legacy of the human spirit...
Mayz- d thought of niravana...d thought of moksha
Mayz- thats wat is left in d end
Highlander- yes, for it is only by being humans that we can attain fulfilment n also help others do so....
Mayz- exactly...but r v doin that
Highlander- well aren’t all of us unconsciously harboring the same thougtht??
Mayz- its d present we care for
Highlander- yeah..I agree...
Highlander- Dude, I just got a wild idea…I'm gonna post this conversation in my next blog..
Highlander- :-)
Mayz- haha...i was thinkin d same thing
Highlander- HA HA HA!!
Mayz- go ahead
Highlander- he he...Will do...
The End
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Love.....
Love is the blackest of all plagues, and if one could die of it, there would be some pleasure in love.But you almost always get over it.
There are only a couple of poor wretches who die of love once in a while.
Love is as contagious as a cold in the nose.
It eats away at your strength, your independence, your morale, if you have any.
If everything is imperfect in this imperfect world, love is most perfect in its perfect imperfection.
The first time..
Well, I never thought I'd make up a blog like this, coz I'm too lazy..But a good friend of mine The Fallen Angel (http://www.satanzmantra.blogspot.com/) has been eating away my ears for quite some time with his constant demand that I start a blog on my own...Well here it is...
I think I owe an explanation regarding my blog URL http://www.darkning.blogspot.com/. Well, we get intermittent visions of things during flashes of lightning..Well what if just the opposite of Lightning happens?? Darkning?? Flashes of darkness...That's what I explore here...Normally in private, but now, I've been coerced to share...And actually I don't seem to mind it right now...
Till next post, paakkalaam...
I think I owe an explanation regarding my blog URL http://www.darkning.blogspot.com/. Well, we get intermittent visions of things during flashes of lightning..Well what if just the opposite of Lightning happens?? Darkning?? Flashes of darkness...That's what I explore here...Normally in private, but now, I've been coerced to share...And actually I don't seem to mind it right now...
Till next post, paakkalaam...
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